Sunday, May 1, 2011

finding the path

Hmm.  I'm having a couple of really bad weeks.  My world feels like its crumbling at the foundation.  But i realize its me that is crumbling.  I am having a hard time with myself.
I made the mistake of trying to wear a pair of capris I wore last summer.  as i write this my chest is super tight and i feel terrible again just thinking about it.... I need to stop trying on old clothes. Oh god.
I have gained 50-60lb in a year.  Oh my god. That;s half a person.  alkdsjfadkjsf
I dont know what to do.  I have so much excess fat on my body. Im not used to this.

its not only me thats crumbling.  I really dont know what do to about  my relationship with derrick.  Maybe we do need to take a break. I feel like i would lose it without him.  How am i suppouse to survive without him? But i need to learn to before we can move on.  And he is having serious commitment issues.  Did i tell you that he said to me that i was the person he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with? and did i say he told me he wants to have kids with me? oh god. But the context was that he is not ready to settle down.  he wanted to meet me a few years later. hm. I needed to meet him that that time in my life because i seriously dont know where i would be without him. Its a very scary thought.  But is that how are relationship really started? me depending on him for life? we're both so fucked emotionally.  What happens when one of us snaps out of it?
And the thing that scares me the most: my friends dont like him.  Oh god. 

But i love him from the bottom of my heart. Do i think we should take a break? maybe? I mean it would be nice if it was more conveinent.  But in truth, we are so intertwined with our possessions and our emotions i dont know if it would be feasible.  Should i let him sleep around? Fuck I dont know.  Do i want to sleep around? kinda. but i want someone to sweep me off my feet. but i have that already? i have the man of my dreams. So whats wrong with the picture? why dont my friends like him? and why are we going through this. we both need to figure shit out.

I wish that i could just stop eating.  I thought this writing thing was suppouse to make me feel better. right now its making me feel way worse.  I just want to go back 30lb even. Instantly. please.
I have being always hungry. Always. And i am never sastified. I want all the rich terrible stuff i wouldnt let myself have before. Damnit.  My body is trying to make up for lost time, haha. fuckakdjflajdflkjasdfjasjsldfj
I think the hunger is for something else. self love maybe? im having a really hard time with that too. i love myself but i dont.  and now i am practically crying. fuck.
a lot of swear words and tears i guess.

so what am i finding the path too? complete breakdown? or enlightenment? i am not okay with how long the healing path will take.

Even right now, now that i am upset i want to go and lie with derrick in bed. But what if he wasnt there? then what would i do? who would i depend on? I need to remember to breath.

breath.  and avoid things that stress me out until i can handle them. no more trying on old clothes. breath.

Friday, April 29, 2011


It feels like forever since I've posted.  So much has happend.

I told Derrick, which i believe I've said already. And I told Dr. Keith, my ND. Oh god. So scary. So, so scary.  I got emotional when i was about to say it and took my time.  But in the end, I said it.  He asked me a few questions and it felt sooo good to talk about it.  But I really believe that it was the right time for me to say it, and it wasnt forced which was important.  I think that i was meant to experience all of this in this order, with this timing.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

I went "home" to Saskatoon for Easter weekend because it fell near my grandpas 70th Birthday.  So the whole family came back into down.  It was great to see everyone, but so stressful with family.  Everyone was saying how good i looked.  It was so freaking hard to take.  I felt like screamy "BUT I FEEL LIKE SHIT"  Yes, my health issues have not resolved.  But they will with my admission of not being "well."  soon, hopefully.
It is crazy because i "look better" but i feel sick, always.  When i was skinny i felt good - or at least that was my perception of how i was.  Now i dont feel well.  

I have been dealing a lot with depression.  im sitting in a cafe right now which is kind of a funny place to be typing this, but things are what they are.  Its hard because both derrick and i are dealign with it.  I dont want to get into our relationship here.

I think i look good from the front, with clothes on, only on my top half. hahah. oh god. I just had this play through my head before leaving for this cafe.  I am still getting crazy cravings and am not satiable.  But that will pass. i hope.  i want to lose weight, a healthy amount. I may even buy a scale.

but the time for this is over.  it feels good to talk about it, which i need to do more.  maybe a convo with derrick in the future.  i feel like the time to tell sera will be soon.


on the road to forgiveness.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Sorry I got cut off last time.  Derrick, my hun, got home.  He saw the tab as he doesnt customarily go on this computer. 

I told him.

I said it.  I still kind of cant believe that I did.  I feel better about it.  But now my feelings are even more pent up - because i know i can talk.  I think i want to talk about it with him.  Tell him my story.  At the same time I dont know if that puts him in a weird place or not.  I guess I should just ask.  Last night he wasnt in a talkative mood.  hopefully tonight he will be.

I hate my body.

I dont know if saying it (or typing) makes it better or worse. I have a lot of healing to go here -and im not sure if my body will heal only when i do. The thought scares me because its going to take some time.  I am so fat.. well not fat, but yes, slightly over weight.

The funny thing, I still have the same body image i did when i weighed 128 pounds.  And now Im probably 185. Ik.  I am sex feet i am technically in a "normal range" still - but at the top of it.  Ik. anyway enough about that.

its time to do some work.

I played basketball for the first time in three years today.  I have so much emotion tied up with basketball - but my soul needed it today. And i wasnt as bad as i thought i would be. Ha.

Off for now,


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Random thoughts

I'm going to break the timeline a bit here.  I think I really need to get some of this stuff out.
I'm debating whether to tell my boyfriend my past tonight.  he's out with friends for dinner and drinks and I feel like i need to tell him. I've been thinking of this more and more lately.  The only problem is that if I tell him then he will notice if i start to restrict again. But who the hell am I kidding? He would notice anyway.  He's such an amazing person, and we both have our burdens. I love him with all of my heart and soul.

Anyways, side tracked by thinking about my man.  My lowest weight. Hm.  That was a moment to revel at.  Kind of like that first high that I know i'll never achieve again. I would like to.  If i could do it in a healthy way, which I know I cant.  i hate how my body has become intuned with my mind and vise versa.  It makes things so much harder to control.  I dont blame by body for retaliating and Im happy that my mind can still find ways to relate.  I want to be whole, but in my terms I guess.

I remember the detail of the scale and the bathroom vividly.  It was the summer after 1st year, when I was back "home" with my mom.  We had moved up to her boyfriend's acerage.  My own personal hell.  It was an hour out of the city and due to my job as a pastry chef it was early mornings (4am) and early nights (8-9pm).  I couldnt go to a movie or out for dinner with friends or hang out because I would get home too late.  Oh ya, and i was studying for the MCAT. Boo.  So my life was work -which i have no problem with. I am so thankful for that job as it really set my career path and i found my passion.  It really was my saving grace that summer.

I ate very little during the day.  In the morning I would eat 2 slices of toast - 140 calories or 1 wrap = 130 calories.  1 T of peanut butter = 80 calories.  I banana = 90 calories.  I yogurt cup = 35 calories.
In my mind that added up to 550 calories.  Okay so maybe not that far off the actual number. But thats the way it went.  My job was very physical, running around all day, always on my feet, heavy lifting, etc.  I worked without a break usually.  lunch was a plate of lettuce and salad toppings - with either an egg or a sprinkle of cheese.  Maybe a thin slice of bread.  And the tea. Lots of tea.  thats how i stopped my need for food. tea and gum.  I would be starving after work, ravonous.  

A summer away

The extent to which I was disconnected from myself was pretty incredible that summer.  I flew away, two days after graduation, to a french exchange program in Jonquiere, Quebec.  I didnt know anyone there but I was filled with a sense of independence and and adult-like feeling for leaving on my own.  I was a bit nervous, but to be honest I just had no idea what to expect.  
We arrived and the entire experience was great.  Minus the not eating thing.  I was completely wrapped up in my disorder.  Unfortunately, we were staying at a CEJEP and there was a cafeteria there.  how it worked was we got to take 4 times (or somthign like that) per meal.  An apple counted the same as a juice box which counted the same as the main dish.  The main meals were discusting.  It was mystery meat in lard pastry and things that did not look edible.  To me it wasnt food.  For 6 weeks I literally ate apples, yogurt if they had it, romaine lettuce and soup broth.  That was it.  In the beginning things were great.  I met some people there I will be in touch with for a very long time which is amazing.  I was the terrible roommate  -up at 6 am to go run with a group of people, then we had class and activity etc.  The evenings were pretty scheduled and after dinner was usually free time.  Weekends were pretty free too i think.  Of course I remember none of the class and only the free time, haha.  I met a boy there named andrew - and he was my fling.  It was a great experience. I refused to have sex with him even though he totally thought i'd be the one, haha.  But we had a great time together.  That was, until the last week of the program.  I made the poor guy cry.  because i wanted to spend the last week with my girlfriends and not with him.  Oops.  When did i become so brutally honest? I didnt date in highschool, just because there wasnt any guys I would date.  And i was a novice with relationships, but hey, he was fun.  
So after about 3 weeks of running in the morning and playing sports in the afternoon the toll of not eating started to hit.  I became so fatigued that i remember in "theatre" i had the hardest time even getting up to walk - let along being able to cocentrate.  now that i think about it i probably dont remember a large part of the trip due to my malnourishment.  I wasnt eating.  I didnt think of buying supplemental food.  I bought cereal and fruit to eat before i ran in the morning.  I remember getting into the habit of having a nap in the afternoon and being so completely exhausted.  I didnt dawn on me how littl ei was eating.  to me, what i wanst eating wasnt food.  there was no option there.  Thankfully going out for weekend dinners gave me an added boost, and drinking on the weekends also helped (calorie wise).  I actually noticed a dirastic difference when we stopped going out to eat on a friday night.  I started getting comments about being skinny but i didnt think so.  Looking back on it i still think i looked good then. Hot.  I have this great picture of me and my friends dressed up as "les arbres" - the trees.  Hot.

When i got back i felt sick after eating anything. Anything.  I couldnt even eat half a roast beef sandwich. It was intense. I cant imagine the alarm my mother felt after seeking my weight loss after six weeks. It had to have been rapid.  I think i was 135 or 139 when i got back.  Way lower thani had been before.  who knew the lowest i weighed while there. i kind wish i knew.

Shortly after i got home i went to calgary with friends for a trip - i remember the food being amazing and eating quite a bit.  I absolutely needed food.  

You know what's weird?  I kind of miss that feeling.  Needing food. 

And of course being able to eat a lot in one sitting and not gain weight. Hm. Back tracking, i even went to Mexico with my mom for 1 week in grade 12 and ate whatever.  I think i gained maybe 2 pounds. my body was so desperate for nutrients i didnt even put on weight. glorious.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Into the Darkeness

Counting calories became my life.  Food became my obsession.  I was always an A student, so keeping up my grades was surprisingly easy.  I also didn't notice an effect on myself physically...until I started playing basketball that is.

I really don't have much recollection of my spiral downwards.  I just remember the electric thrill of weighing less each time i stepped on the scale.  The first time I remember I was 162 pounds.  I had lost about 20 pounds.  I didnt remember ever weighing that and to be honest it scared me a little bit.  The power that i had over my body was exhilarating.  Now 162 pounds is gigantic to me.  Too bad I weigh so much more than that now.  Anyways, no need to focus on the present.

I continued to keep a very strict calorie intake, and other things started to change.  I didnt have to worry about exercise, as I was training 6 days a week and often had activities overlapping.  I cant believe how active I was then.  It was easy when I had minimal homework to do, and no job.  I was also going to a gym with a friend - we did the early morning spin classes before school.  I can only hope to get back into the physical shape I was then.  It was so easy.  It couldnt have been much after getting used to my calorie restriction that I started to be more picky about what foods I ate.  Any sort of fat disgusted me.  I made my mother stop putting butter int he rice when she cooked it.  I had to have been pretty demanding about food, but at the same time my restriction was easy to hide.  I ate breakfast alone in the morning, I packed my own lunch, and I usually ate dinner alone.  If anything I would be alone for at least a portion of the evening so I could say I had already eaten.  I really cant get over how easy this was for me.  But then my body started to fight back.

I wasnt hungry, ever.  I just knew that I needed to eat because I would feel faint and irratable, and well - this weird sensation that was in my head, not my tummy, which would tell me when I needed to eat.  I was strict about times as well.  School gave me a perfect schedule to eat.  One piece of fruit at break.  lunch at lunch and a small snack of some sort when I got home from school.  (If i did get to go home before practice).  Usually I would be home at 8pm or so.  Have a "snack" to my mother and dinner to me. and that was that.  I started chewing gum contstantly to trick my body into thinking it was getting food.

During the last half of my basketball season by body started to deteriorate.  I think I lost 40 pounds in 3-4 months.  No one said anything.  And i felt a rush of power when someone did.  I did not see myself as too thin.  I started having a contsant headache - which actually took me a long time to realize (it clicked in one day because even the lowest volume setting in my car made the music too loud).  I started feeling "unwell" and my period had stopped a long time ago.  I was concerned about my period going away.  I didnt know what that meant.  I went to see a doctor and he wasnt concerned - it was just because I was training so hard. Not unusual he said to me. Phew.  I didnt menstrate for over 3 years.

Practices started getting harder, my stamina decreased.  I remember one practice where I felt like i was going to pass out on the court.  i felt terrible.  And yet somehow I didnt relate it directly to not eating. How naive I had to be... People started questioning my food intake.  Not openly really.  I had a coach sit me down at a game and ask me what I ate.  I told her.  It sounded fine to me.  Looking back what gave me away was probably my quickness to answer and my detailed account of what i eat everyday.  

Foods had started to become "good" and "bad."  I wouldnt touch certain things.  No desserts, chocolate, dougnuts or anything high in calories. I  only ate the lowerest calorie foods.

One day my best friend tried to force me to eat a mini dougnut.  I wouldnt do it.  She confronted me later about it.  i denied it.  Agreed that i needed to eat more.  The same lies over and over.

What this is making me realize is how I didnt realize what I was doing to myself.  I did get serveral rounds of blood tests to figure out what was wrong.  i was hypoglycemic.  Because the doctor told me to I started eating every hour.  I felt instantly better.  I'm not sure why I stopped doing that.  I fell back into the anorexia.  It was also so easy then.  

The most surprising thing is this part of the disorder, it didnt effect me emotionally at that time.  And as i write this i realize that the events after are the ones i really need to heal from.  The ones that are stopping me from healing now.  The ghosts that I have to face and walk away from.

I left highschool, graduating and happy to be a part of a bigger picture.  Two days after graduation I hopped on a plane to Quebec for a french exchange program.  The disorder worsens, but still i am ignorant to it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Times are tough.

I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. The morning was good - when i wrote the last post.  Then i did some homework, and then the day was shot.  I have been experiencing symptoms of adrenal fatigue, when your adrenal glands get "tired" (google it) for a while now.  But yesterday I just couldnt handle it any more.  I had the day "off" to work on the material for my oral exam at nutrition school and well, i broke down.  I had a horrible day. The tears flowed and wouldnt stop.  I didnt have the energy do to anything. I cant describe the feeling of hopelessly being overwhelmed by the simplest of things. My poor body.  As i alluded to I have been dealing with serious health issues over the past 10 months.  Essentially, i am allergic to everything. But food is my life. Oh the irony.  I am still obsessive with food for sure, and it is now my career, passion, and more.  Of course when i finally decide to give food back to my body my body fights back and I cant have it any more.  I've only been able to eat rice, bananas, peanut butter/nuts, avocado, and yams for 10 months.  I have eaten other foods, but i am in constant pain.  not to mention i am always bloated, fatigued, headaches, leg swelling and the list goes one.  im not saying this for pity, I'm saying it to make the point of how my body has retaliated.  It all began shortly after an extremely stressful week helping to open a business i consulted for.  I wasnt prepared for the stress, and that was the final straw for my body.  My immune system is extremely low and weak, so that it cant even muster up the energy to fight infection.  I dont get sick easily - i just dont get sick, My body cant handle it.  The body is an amazing things, and it obviously isnt happy with me.  And now after 10 months of negative tests and being told im frustrating by MD and ND;s alike my adrenal glands are shot. how am i suppose to run a business when i cant get up in the morning?  I am a go-go-go kind of person.  perfectionist to a point and also the one that strives to be the best.  I just dont have an off switch.  Which i am dearly paying for.  

Anyways, today was better.  And by better I mean by business partner let me take the day to myself (we are doing a big event Saturday - so yesterday should have been a 12 hour or more day).  I slept almost all day. And now im writing to you.  I'll start another post to continue the story. 

Dear Body,
Please don't hate me for what I did to you.  I know my mind can no longer control my body.  I look forward to the day where we can live and thrive together.  Please make that soon.