Sunday, May 1, 2011

finding the path

Hmm.  I'm having a couple of really bad weeks.  My world feels like its crumbling at the foundation.  But i realize its me that is crumbling.  I am having a hard time with myself.
I made the mistake of trying to wear a pair of capris I wore last summer.  as i write this my chest is super tight and i feel terrible again just thinking about it.... I need to stop trying on old clothes. Oh god.
I have gained 50-60lb in a year.  Oh my god. That;s half a person.  alkdsjfadkjsf
I dont know what to do.  I have so much excess fat on my body. Im not used to this.

its not only me thats crumbling.  I really dont know what do to about  my relationship with derrick.  Maybe we do need to take a break. I feel like i would lose it without him.  How am i suppouse to survive without him? But i need to learn to before we can move on.  And he is having serious commitment issues.  Did i tell you that he said to me that i was the person he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with? and did i say he told me he wants to have kids with me? oh god. But the context was that he is not ready to settle down.  he wanted to meet me a few years later. hm. I needed to meet him that that time in my life because i seriously dont know where i would be without him. Its a very scary thought.  But is that how are relationship really started? me depending on him for life? we're both so fucked emotionally.  What happens when one of us snaps out of it?
And the thing that scares me the most: my friends dont like him.  Oh god. 

But i love him from the bottom of my heart. Do i think we should take a break? maybe? I mean it would be nice if it was more conveinent.  But in truth, we are so intertwined with our possessions and our emotions i dont know if it would be feasible.  Should i let him sleep around? Fuck I dont know.  Do i want to sleep around? kinda. but i want someone to sweep me off my feet. but i have that already? i have the man of my dreams. So whats wrong with the picture? why dont my friends like him? and why are we going through this. we both need to figure shit out.

I wish that i could just stop eating.  I thought this writing thing was suppouse to make me feel better. right now its making me feel way worse.  I just want to go back 30lb even. Instantly. please.
I have being always hungry. Always. And i am never sastified. I want all the rich terrible stuff i wouldnt let myself have before. Damnit.  My body is trying to make up for lost time, haha. fuckakdjflajdflkjasdfjasjsldfj
I think the hunger is for something else. self love maybe? im having a really hard time with that too. i love myself but i dont.  and now i am practically crying. fuck.
a lot of swear words and tears i guess.

so what am i finding the path too? complete breakdown? or enlightenment? i am not okay with how long the healing path will take.

Even right now, now that i am upset i want to go and lie with derrick in bed. But what if he wasnt there? then what would i do? who would i depend on? I need to remember to breath.

breath.  and avoid things that stress me out until i can handle them. no more trying on old clothes. breath.