Monday, March 14, 2011

and again...

I slowly watched my weight climb in my younger teenage years.  I was playing basketball competitively but being "trained" to stuff myself and i guess snacking is what did it.  It was Christmas time.  I dont know what year.  It must have been in grade 11.  The scales showed 186 pounds.  I couldnt believe it.  I really, really couldnt believe it. How could I be that heavy (in my mother's words)?

Something had to change.  I needed to stop this.  I was in grade 11, a girl, and almost 200 pounds? What?  

Oh - another important part that I forgot to mention.  High School.  For whatever reason there where two boys, one in particular, that made "fun" of me.  I put fun in quotations because I thought it was good natured.  I think it may have been.  typical banter because i was taller than them.  Typical banter for a young guy trying to fit in and trying to make up for the fact that he was short.  They called me "bohemoth."  Come to think of it, the one did hit me as well etc.  I have always been good natured and hard to upset.  It wasnt anywhere near abusive.  Stupid. Juvenile.  Unnecessary. and immature.  
With all of this I became hesitant to eat around them.  It make me think about myself.  It made me consider things.  It made me more negative.  It had more of an effect on me than I can even admit to myself now.

So all things combined - the verbal abuse at school, my mother.  My self image shattered.  I stood there on that scale and once again, decided something had to change.

After this the changes began slowly.  I did drop some weight I think.  i remember the absolute thrill of seeing a lower number on the scale.  The continual downward spiral was invigorating.  

Looking back its incredible how ignorant I was.  I covered up my eating disorder so well that i didnt even admit it to myself.

One side story skipping ahead a little.  In my grade 12 year, training for basketball 6 days a week and eating a limited number of calories I wasnt feeling well.  I wasnt feeling right.  Some how I ended up in the doctors office to try and "figure out what was wrong."  I remember being scared that he would call me out.  The only thing he said is that not having my period was normal considering I played basketball.  there was no comment on my weight.  I got many blood tests done.  11 vials at once on one occasion.  The results from that showed that I was hypoglycemic.  The recommendation was to eat often.  I started eating something small every hour.  I was invigorated.  I had a reason, an order even, to eat.  I felt incredible.  I didnt know why at the time.  My body was getting nourishment for the first time in a while.  I have read in other stories of eating disorders that doctors orders allowed them to eat.  The fact that I didnt make the connection at the time.  That i was so incredibly far removed is a statement in its own i think.

so again began the journey.

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