Skipping ahead in the story. I don't know if this will all be chronological or not. to be honest i don't even remember exactly where i left off last. Anyway...
About 2 weeks ago I went out with a couple of friends who were visiting, along with a new one of mine from Vancouver that knew a friend from back home. We went out for a beer (the first beer i've had in sooooooo long since going gluten free - more to come on that later) the beer was delicious. And people wanted a snack, as per usual while drinking.
Now drinking environments were usually really comfortable with me, until the shared plate of food came. I would also restrict myself. When our nachos arrived they were zig zagged with sour cream and had pulled pork on them (go van for interesting food combos). Two weeks ago was the first time i have ever had nachos and beer, ever!
For some this may seem like no big feat. the difference with me is that i have had ample opportunity to have nachos and beer in the past. in fact, nachos have been at my table many a time while drinking. but did i dare touch them? nope. the most i would let myself have was maybe 1 or 2 chips - the ones sitting naked with no toppings to speak of that no one wanted anyway.
But two weeks ago it was different. We had had a light dinner and i was a little hungry. The nachos arrived and i dug right in. Its brining tears to my eyes as i write this about how free i felt. how natural it was to sit there and snack while drinking a cold beer laughing with good friends. the whole moment was so...free of stress. free of the tightness i used to get in my stomach and chest when i was refusing something - especially when i was focused on it completely. the nachos wernt bad. I still didnt eat the meat or cheese, grabbing for the nachos with no toppings. But i sat there, and had an equal share of my nachos. it was great!! really! great!
Its so hard for me to look back at how much i used to restrict. i remember the feeling so vividly of not being able to eat those foods. i remember the intense stress linked to them, and how i couldnt have a single bite. but that was okay.
Foods were never "good" or "bad" in my books. I come across that so many times with other accounts of anorexia. (wow, even the word is becoming easier to say. this is good. so good.) Foods were simply not eaten if they had too high of calories or fat. desserts were out completely, so was any dairy except skim milk and 35 calorie/serving no fat yogurt. and oh ya, a perfectly measured portion of low fat cheese. doughnuts. i distinctly remember one of my best friends challenging me with a bag of small timbit type things in highschool. It was grade 12 and she suspected something going on. she even confronted me about it once. luckly i was never bulimic (much to my demise at times, i just cant make myself throw up!) so my cover wasnt blown. but god, i remember that box of doughnuts that she was forcing in my face. she tried hard to force me to eat one but i didnt give in. i didnt care whether she called me on it. i was so terrified of those little fat and calorie packed morsels. i simply couldnt eat one. i was captivated by fear.
Another example, my new boyfriend at the time went for groceries and i asked him to pick up some soy milk for me. i told him the brand etc but he came home with a different one. i think it had 1 g of fat per serving instead of 0. i couldnt drink it. i tried but i was revolted. i was, and still am, strongly attached to my non-dairy beverage (which is a large reason why i completely avoid it now if possible.) i tried to drink it and i couldnt. i gaged. i poured it down the sink one day because i knew i couldnt drink it, cursing myself for the waste. One birthday a friend bought me a london fog for class. i sat there "sipping" it every so often, putting my tongue to the hole so that none of the obtrusive liquid would enter my mouth.
the worst part- i wish so much that i had the will to be as restrictive today. i wish it almost more than anything. the control gave me so much power. so much confidence, ease and well, control. now that i am on the recovery road i cant restrict. my body wont let me. and i am weak - i fail on an hourly basis it seems.
So to the cinnamon buns. That was tonight. I havnt had a real cinnamon but in years. years. its probably been about 10 years, even though my disorder hasnt been for that long. a friend mentioned cinnamon buns the other day. and then the craving hit. oh. my god. my first food memory is making cinnamon knots with my grandma. i love the hot, sticky, fragrant and sweet taste of them. the doughy texture is to die for.
But the deliemma - i cant eat wheat. (wait for that upcoming post. a hint : i am now essentially allergic to everything).
the craving stuck. which is weird for me. usually my cravings are positive - my body is an amazing thing despite what ive done to it. but all i wanted in the world was a cinnamon bun! for days!
Finally my boyfriend and i went on a trip to visit my best friend. she eats gluten free. and loves anything tasty. so we attempted to make gf, vegan cinnamon buns! we found a recipe on the internet that looked good (have i mentioned im a pastry chef? and i do specialize in gf, vegan, and allergy free baking). we made them tonight.
they were dry. very dry. and not gooey or pull-a-part-like at all. the taste was almost there. but it so totally wasnt. they really wernt bad though. so i ate 3/4 of one. 3/4 of a cinnamon bun! ah the stress is coming back, but nothing like it would have been 8 months ago. and side note, my recovery really began about 6-7 months ago. thanks almost entirely to my boyfriend, the love of my life, without him even knowing it.
so the cinnamon bun wasnt the end of the story. we also made gf, vegan chocolate cranberry banana bread. with lots of sugar. i wasnt planning on eating any of this one but i did. i ate a piece and a half, probably two of it. oh god. i certainly paid for it afterwards. sugar hates me. i honestly can feel it after ive had two samples at a gelato shop. damnit. so now i feel like shit.
but the worst part. i am so fat. i am my heaviest-i think than ever in my life. i dont know my exact weight thank god. but i think that ive surpassed that 180-something that triggered all of this in the first place. oh god. but i get bloated, and my stomach sticks out like no other. i used to get that all the time, but now i have a thick inch or so of fat on my stomach. ew. ew. ew.
im so disgusted at myself. the very worst part is i have no control over it. now i am completely unsatiable. i always am hungry and could eat. i cant stop any more. portions mean nothing. its partly because of the health journey i am no (not directly related to my eating disorder) which has left me with impaired absorption - but the calories still seem to count.
i keep gaining more and more weight and it is terrifiying. i did get more beautiful when i first started gaining weight. now i look like the people i would be look at and be horrified.
i wish there was a way to bring back my control. i did enjoy the cinnamon bun, but not as much as i would have enjoyed the power to say no.
that's all for now. restless night ahead.