Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Random thoughts

I'm going to break the timeline a bit here.  I think I really need to get some of this stuff out.
I'm debating whether to tell my boyfriend my past tonight.  he's out with friends for dinner and drinks and I feel like i need to tell him. I've been thinking of this more and more lately.  The only problem is that if I tell him then he will notice if i start to restrict again. But who the hell am I kidding? He would notice anyway.  He's such an amazing person, and we both have our burdens. I love him with all of my heart and soul.

Anyways, side tracked by thinking about my man.  My lowest weight. Hm.  That was a moment to revel at.  Kind of like that first high that I know i'll never achieve again. I would like to.  If i could do it in a healthy way, which I know I cant.  i hate how my body has become intuned with my mind and vise versa.  It makes things so much harder to control.  I dont blame by body for retaliating and Im happy that my mind can still find ways to relate.  I want to be whole, but in my terms I guess.

I remember the detail of the scale and the bathroom vividly.  It was the summer after 1st year, when I was back "home" with my mom.  We had moved up to her boyfriend's acerage.  My own personal hell.  It was an hour out of the city and due to my job as a pastry chef it was early mornings (4am) and early nights (8-9pm).  I couldnt go to a movie or out for dinner with friends or hang out because I would get home too late.  Oh ya, and i was studying for the MCAT. Boo.  So my life was work -which i have no problem with. I am so thankful for that job as it really set my career path and i found my passion.  It really was my saving grace that summer.

I ate very little during the day.  In the morning I would eat 2 slices of toast - 140 calories or 1 wrap = 130 calories.  1 T of peanut butter = 80 calories.  I banana = 90 calories.  I yogurt cup = 35 calories.
In my mind that added up to 550 calories.  Okay so maybe not that far off the actual number. But thats the way it went.  My job was very physical, running around all day, always on my feet, heavy lifting, etc.  I worked without a break usually.  lunch was a plate of lettuce and salad toppings - with either an egg or a sprinkle of cheese.  Maybe a thin slice of bread.  And the tea. Lots of tea.  thats how i stopped my need for food. tea and gum.  I would be starving after work, ravonous.  

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