Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A summer away

The extent to which I was disconnected from myself was pretty incredible that summer.  I flew away, two days after graduation, to a french exchange program in Jonquiere, Quebec.  I didnt know anyone there but I was filled with a sense of independence and and adult-like feeling for leaving on my own.  I was a bit nervous, but to be honest I just had no idea what to expect.  
We arrived and the entire experience was great.  Minus the not eating thing.  I was completely wrapped up in my disorder.  Unfortunately, we were staying at a CEJEP and there was a cafeteria there.  how it worked was we got to take 4 times (or somthign like that) per meal.  An apple counted the same as a juice box which counted the same as the main dish.  The main meals were discusting.  It was mystery meat in lard pastry and things that did not look edible.  To me it wasnt food.  For 6 weeks I literally ate apples, yogurt if they had it, romaine lettuce and soup broth.  That was it.  In the beginning things were great.  I met some people there I will be in touch with for a very long time which is amazing.  I was the terrible roommate  -up at 6 am to go run with a group of people, then we had class and activity etc.  The evenings were pretty scheduled and after dinner was usually free time.  Weekends were pretty free too i think.  Of course I remember none of the class and only the free time, haha.  I met a boy there named andrew - and he was my fling.  It was a great experience. I refused to have sex with him even though he totally thought i'd be the one, haha.  But we had a great time together.  That was, until the last week of the program.  I made the poor guy cry.  because i wanted to spend the last week with my girlfriends and not with him.  Oops.  When did i become so brutally honest? I didnt date in highschool, just because there wasnt any guys I would date.  And i was a novice with relationships, but hey, he was fun.  
So after about 3 weeks of running in the morning and playing sports in the afternoon the toll of not eating started to hit.  I became so fatigued that i remember in "theatre" i had the hardest time even getting up to walk - let along being able to cocentrate.  now that i think about it i probably dont remember a large part of the trip due to my malnourishment.  I wasnt eating.  I didnt think of buying supplemental food.  I bought cereal and fruit to eat before i ran in the morning.  I remember getting into the habit of having a nap in the afternoon and being so completely exhausted.  I didnt dawn on me how littl ei was eating.  to me, what i wanst eating wasnt food.  there was no option there.  Thankfully going out for weekend dinners gave me an added boost, and drinking on the weekends also helped (calorie wise).  I actually noticed a dirastic difference when we stopped going out to eat on a friday night.  I started getting comments about being skinny but i didnt think so.  Looking back on it i still think i looked good then. Hot.  I have this great picture of me and my friends dressed up as "les arbres" - the trees.  Hot.

When i got back i felt sick after eating anything. Anything.  I couldnt even eat half a roast beef sandwich. It was intense. I cant imagine the alarm my mother felt after seeking my weight loss after six weeks. It had to have been rapid.  I think i was 135 or 139 when i got back.  Way lower thani had been before.  who knew the lowest i weighed while there. i kind wish i knew.

Shortly after i got home i went to calgary with friends for a trip - i remember the food being amazing and eating quite a bit.  I absolutely needed food.  

You know what's weird?  I kind of miss that feeling.  Needing food. 

And of course being able to eat a lot in one sitting and not gain weight. Hm. Back tracking, i even went to Mexico with my mom for 1 week in grade 12 and ate whatever.  I think i gained maybe 2 pounds. my body was so desperate for nutrients i didnt even put on weight. glorious.

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